I miss high school. Many people apparently do not miss it, but I do. Certainly, this feeling manifests today, because a friend from that time was visiting me for a while. Nevertheless, I have to think back often, longing especially for all the time I had back then. Wasn't it fantastic in how many activities one could engage? Sports, hobbies, friends. How many different subjects one was acquainted with? Presently, I am so specialized and experience that I even unlearned skills that I used to be good at. Sure, I am in a phase of my life, in which I attempt to enrich my everyday life with new experiences, but I cannot help the guilty feeling that these come with the cost of me not being an excellent postdoc.
Apart from the diversity, I miss the time that I had to be with friends. Often I am even too tired to see my friend that lives next door, to write an email or even just to comment on a facebook post. So it comes that I got used to start my conversations with apologies and I despise it.
Now I am here in this perfect place for a scientist, which is also so rich and beautiful in its nature and beyond that I do not have any commitments. Still, I feel so unsatisfied, because I am to weak to decide for one or the other. My boss recently said, one probably does not have a balanced day, a balanced week or a balanced year, but one can have a balanced life. I fear, she is as so often right, unfortunately it is a long way to feel that satisfaction. Too long for my melancholic character.
Apparently it is a time in my life to choose to do one thing right. I am not sure, where to find the energy for it. Back in high school it was easy, I just did what I had to do. I wish I could be like back then. I miss it.