My dad sent me an email today reminding me of my anniversary. It was two years ago that I stepped into the plane in Berlin Schoenefeld with my two pieces of extra heavy luggage containing all my possessions that I somehow thought were important to me. I was touched by the presence of my sisters and my good friend from teenagehood. So it came that although I was ready to go I had tears in my eyes. Now it is two years later and I have to say, I almost arrived in this place. Almost, because I still feel like the new kid on the block (although I am really not), almost because I still don't know where I belong and almost because I don't feel part of the whole. But almost, because the wish manifests to stay here, almost because I established my routines and almost, because I feel as a part of my immediate surroundings.
Time runs so fast! It runs, it flies, it races, I don't find a fitting word. Already my mind is occupied with leaving. Between arriving and leaving, I don't find time for actually being here. What will come next, where will I go, with whom will I be? People want me to go back, to be close, to be in reach. I just want to stay here, want to pause, want to languish. To be honest, it is very nice here. I don't want to think about what is next. I will have to, eventually. There is no steadiness. Not for a scientist, anyways.
Very touching post. I feel the same way, I figured that the simplest way of coming into peace with the sense of belonging is to sent it to oblivion. I belong neither here nor there. My intellect tells me to stay here for the betterment of the rest of my life and my kid(s), while my heart drags me there. Its been almost 10 years now for me....still the question remain unanswered....where do I REALLY belong?
ReplyDeletethe best way I can come up with to describe how time feels is that it's like a non-newtonion liquid (i.e custard). With non-newtonions, the harder/faster you hit it, the thicker it gets but when you press gently, the spoon just slides through without resistance.
ReplyDeletewe are here almost a year... cant believe it either. so far, i can only say; i defenitely do not belong here... although i currently like it, i know its not forever and i want to go back. but who knows how that may change?
ReplyDeletebut i miss dutch mentality or whatever.. how sad is it when the apartment management tells us its forbidden to leave your shoes outside your door? theres huge amounts of snow here and obviously people dont want to put their wet boots inside.. but no, now that needs an official letter using the word "permitted". im so often disappointed by americans. but i guess you had the same with the dutch...
seems many people feel torn between cultures and countries. I always envied those who know where they want to be. For me the thought of going back has always something of going backwards. I know it is absurd, but that how it feels.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, definitely, the big bang theory rules:)!
Hmm. I think that the variables are not sufficient.. Meaning you can be happy in many places, which is not always dependent on their location, but also on yourself, the interaction you have with your surrounding, all those things.... Changing any of them might do as well as relocating.
ReplyDeleteI rather mean that when you relocate you can not always take all these things with you and have to work with what you got. Of course it also depends on you, how open you are to new things and how willing to adapt. Usually I am easy and do not really mind places, but maybe I am getting old and tired of relocating... It is a lot of work.
ReplyDeleteif you don't have a lot of stuff, you don't have a lot of work!
ReplyDeletethis is a blog of an american friend of mine:
http://mymicrolife.wordpress.com/2010/12/
it's about this kind of stuff, but she only has ONE post..:S